joke's you know you got them

[datsunfreak]

So my friend takes this girl on a date and things are going really well. He takes her back to his place and one thing leads to another and they start making out. Things are going along so smoothly he decides to slide his hand up her shirt. She stops him and says "That's a bit presumptuous of you, isn't it?". So he says, "Presumptuous, that's a pretty big word for a fifth grader isn't it?"

[djmoreron]

Q: What does a accountant do when constipated?

 

 

A: Work it out with a pencil

[WICKED JESTER]

this big guy walks into a bar he walks over to a little guy sitting on a bar stool WHAM knocks the little guy to the floor big guy says thats a judo chop from japan the little guy gets up dusts himself off gets back on the bar stool about an hour later the big guy goes over to little guy WHAM knocks the little guy to the floor again big guy says thats a karate chop from china so the little guy leaves the bar 45minutes later the little guy comes back to the bar he walks over to the big guy WHAM knocks the big guy out cold the little guy tells the bartender when the big guy wakes up tell him thats a crowbar from sears :lol:

[flyerdan]

A girl in a rural farming community goes into the bank dragging a large feed sack full of pennies. She informs the teller that she would like these deposited into the family account. He dumps the coins into the counting machine, and while waiting for it to finish engages the girl in conversation.

"That is a mighty impressive penny collection," he remarks,"Tell me, did you hoard those all by yourself?"

"No," she replied, "my sister whored half of them."

[Figbuck]

Reet!

[fastdadd]

Did you hear about the man with the five penis's...

 

His pants fit like a glove.

[fastdadd]

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

 

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

 

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

 

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

 

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

 

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

 

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

[datzenmike]

One Sunday God and the devil meet for their usual game of golf. They go early before church lets out and go out on the greens. The devil wins the toss and tees up. Wham! the ball clears the trees and sails all the way to within ten feet of the pin. Very pleased with himself, the devil steps back grinning as God tees up. WHAM s l i c e !! "Shit! fuck!" the ball bounces and rolls into the rough. But just then a rabbit jumps out of his hole and grabs up the ball and starts running with it. A few seconds later an eagle, seeing the rabbit, swoops down and clutches the rabbit in his talons and lifts him up into the sky and flys off. About this time a bolt of lightening and a crash of thunder startles the eagle into dropping the rabbit which in turn drops the ball and it drops to the ground and bounces past the devil's ball and into the cup. Grinning now, God turns to the devil who says "you goin' to play golf or fuck around all day?"

 

Besides being all wrathful at times I think God must have a sense of humor on others.

[fastdadd]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

 

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

 

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

 

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

 

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,

 

I went for more shotgun shells. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.

 

-Cooter"

[Shonuff]

why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if it had 4 it'd be a sedan:D

 

 

 

ps:]2edeye your joke was not funny:mellow:

[420n620]

3 flies were flying around the barn, they all landed on a shovel handle when a cow came into the barn and dumped a load of shit. One fly says, hey I'm going down and get some of that fresh shit, so he does and comes back and says, man that was good, you need to go get some, so the other 2 flys go down and get some of the shit, they came back and said, yeah that was good. The first fly says, well I got to go, when he flew off he fell to the ground. The other two looked at each other and one says I'm leaving, when he did, he fell to the ground. This got the 3rd one worried and when he flew off, he fell to the ground.

 

 

The moral of this story::: don't fly off the handle when your full of shit !!!!!

[fastdadd]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his

patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he

coached his patients to respond to his commands. When

the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

 

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled,

"Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they

all sat back down in their seats.

 

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer

Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against

the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo

Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided

to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant

in charge.

 

When he returned, there was a riot in

progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,

"What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going

just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,

"PEE-NUTS!"

[phatdave]

3 young guys in a bar drinking.

 

Older guy at the end says to one in particular " Fucked your mom the other night...good pussy"

 

No Reaction.

 

Old guy...to same young guy " Shes a crazy bitch in bed...got some moves she does."

 

Young guy just looks at the older guy and says nothing.

 

 

Older Guy " I rode her like a fucking pony...."

 

The Younger guy finally says " Dad Your drunk...go home!" :D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dd:fu:

[phatdave]

This guy wants to start a piano bar so he asks a buddy of his thats in the biz if he knows a good pianist....(hehe i said pianist) "Yeah I do he's great,but he's a little off in the head"

 

So the guy gives him a chance at his bar after he gets it up and running(heheI said gets it up)

 

 

So the piano played plays a beautiful song and a lady comes up and throws a five in his tip jar"Wonderful song" she says.

 

"Thanks I wrote it. It's called I want to fuck you dogstyle" she freaks out and tells the owner.

 

Two songs later, same thing, different woman" Beautiful song" She says....." Thanks I wrote it. It's called I'll ride you like apony Bitch"

 

She freaks,tells the owner who heard the whole thing.

 

On his break the pianist goes into the mens room..the owner follows him in. The player takes a piss and the owner tells him..." You are great,but you need to tone down your language."

 

"No problem" says the pianist and leaves the mens room with his dick hanging out.

 

A guy starting in sees this and say" HEY Buddy do you know your cocks hanging out?

 

" Know it ??? I fucking wrote it!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dd:fu:

[Guest Rick-rat]

A teenager was in his room getting ready to go to sleep when he heard a racket coming from his parents room, he looked in to see what was happening and saw his mom and dad going at it like there was no tomorrow. His dad saw the boy and just laughed and continued on as the boy closed the door and left.

 

 

 

A little bit later the dad heard a racket coming from down the hall and went to investigate, he opened the door and there was his son giving it to grandma for all he was worth,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy looked up and said, not so funny when its your mom is it.

[420n620]

one day Rodger was caught jacking off by dad so dad tells Rodger thats it time for dad to tell you about the birds and the bees.

So he sat Rodger down and starting explaining about the birds and the bees.

Well Roger was not very smart so dad tells the wife to go up stairs and get naked and get into bed. Rodger and dad shortly followed.

Dad takes off his clothes and says: Roger do you see that little pink hole there on mom, you just watch old dad.

Dad starts fucking her when suddenly sis was walking by and ask Rodger what was going on, OH dad is teaching me about the birds and the bees.

Sis wasn't very bright either so Roger pulls his pants off and says: see that little brown hole on dad --- you just watch Rodger :eek:

[fastdadd]

A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The barman

gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his

surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great

tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave

is just wonderful!"

 

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette

machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the

machine. "You're a TOTAL WANKER... My God you STINK... Do you know,

you're almost AS UGLY AS YOUR MOTHER!"

 

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an

explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are

complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

[datzenmike]

A note for non-Canadians... Newfoundland is a unique place in Canada -- basically a big rock populated by Gaelic fisherfolk who managed to avoid joining Canada until 1949. Newfoundland has a distinct society and culture with its own unintelligible brogue, an endless stream of singing, dancing and fiddling families with record deals, and plenty of grief and strife caused by the loss of all the cod. Still, they now have oil so it

[]2eDeYe]

 

ps:]2edeye your joke was not funny:mellow:

 

Makes me laugh everytime I tell it :D

 

 

This guys walks into a bar. Steps up to the bar and orders a drink. When he get's his beverage he says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I got a bet for ya."

 

Bartender says, "What's the bet?"

 

Guys says, "I'll bet you $20,000 I can bite my right eye"

 

Bartender laughs a little and says, "Ok, your on."

 

The guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender is like 'shit he got me' and he pays up.

 

The guy finishes his beverage and orders another drink. When he get's his beverage he says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I got another bet for ya."

 

Bartender says, "What's the bet this time?"

 

The guy says, "I'll bet you your $20,000 back, that I can bite my left eye."

 

Thae bartender is thinking to himself... there's no way he's got 2 glass eyes, he walked in here. He says, "Alright, you're on"

 

The guy pulls out his dentures, bites his left eye and put's his dentures back in.

 

The bartender is flabergasted, but he pays up...

 

The guy walks over to a table of people, starts talking and drinking his beverage.

 

A little while later the guy walks back up to the bar for another drink. After grabbing the bottle he says, "Ok barkeep, I got one more bet for ya. Double or nothing."

 

Bartender eyes him and says, "What is it this time?"

 

Guy says, " Double or nothing. I can jump into the air, spin around 3 times, piss over your shoulder into a shot glass and not miss a drop."

 

Bartenders thinkin he's just gotta see this...He says, "You're on"

 

The guy jumps up in the air, drops his pants, pisses all over the bar, all over the bartender...everywhere.

 

The bartender is laughing his ass off, "Ha ha ha, I know you couldn't do it" he says, "Tell me somethng though, you had $40,000 and lost $80,000...why?"

 

The guy says, "Well, you see that table over there? I bet them $250,000, I could piss in your face and you'd laugh."

 

 

 

:fu: Tarantino...my joke...you stole it... :lol:

[datzenmike]

Redeye, I haven't thought of that joke in 30 years :lol::lol: Well told. I saw it as a cartoon in a Harold Hedd comix. Man those were good times. (sorry... carried away)

 

http://www.cannabisculture.com/articles/2486.html

[Llittle_Llama]

one day a little boy came home from school and asked his dad: what is the difference between the the words realistically and potentially the dad answers go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars so the boy asked. he comes back to his father father and says: she says yes. so the father says:now go ask your sister. he comes back and says she said yes too. So the dad answers well potentially we are sitting on two million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores!

[fastdadd]

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my

husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

 

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

 

To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

 

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

 

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit

instead,and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

 

"So I just switched the heads."

[fastdadd]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

 

She calls on little Ralphy.

 

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

 

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

 

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.

 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

 

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

 

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

 

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

 

Which one is married?"

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

 

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

 

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

 

"Why?" asks the father?

 

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

 

"But that's right!" says his dad.

 

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

 

"What's the f..king difference?" asks the father.

 

"That's what I said!"

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

 

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

 

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

 

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

 

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

 

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

 

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

 

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

 

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

 

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

 

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if

 

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

 

"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

 

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

 

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f..king beautiful!'"

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

 

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

 

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

 

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

 

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

 

Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f..king business.

[hang_510]

ralphy on economics:

ralphy was called on to explain the difference between excess and surplus...

 

"when your sucking on a pair of titties...

the part of one that doesnt fit in your mouth is excess...

the other one is surplus"

[datzenmike]

M-m-m-m-mmmm....surplus!