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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car

which said:

"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, Stopped them and told them They'd either

have to remove the sign Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," The officer smiled "Their sign

pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned As they took their sign down and

drove off.

The following day found the same police officer In the area when he

noticed the two ladies Driving around with a large sign on their car

again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, He began to catch up with them When he

noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

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Old Pa and Ma are on vaction from Portland Oregon. They are in Norfolk and stop for gas.....

 

 

Young lad pumping gas..." Wow see the plates been to Oregon...BEAUTIFUL THERE!"

 

 

..."Ehh what he say PA?" says Ma

 

""Loves Oregon MA."......Ma says "OH"

 

 

Lad.." Went Hunting there once...got a deer"..."EH PA?" says MA

 

" Hunted there once MA got a deer..."................."OH." says MA

 

 

Kid whispers over to Pa..."Stinkiest,slopiest piece of ass I EVER had was up in PORTLAND."

 

" Eh Pa what did he say?

 

Pa says...' Thinks he knows you MA!":D

 

 

 

dd:fu:

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Mickey Mouse hired a P.I. to follow his Minnie. After a couple of weeks the P.I. reports back to Mickey:

 

"Mr. Mouse, I've trailed your wife for some time now, and I have no reason to believe that she's crazy"

 

Mickey:

"I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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Professional Ethics:

 

 

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty for days. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're both single. Just let it go...". And at times he would.

 

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

 

 

 

Dave

 

 

 

Dave

 

 

 

 

You're a Veterinarian

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

 

Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their

stories.

 

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" Yes ma'am.

 

My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.

She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small

flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey

on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right

in the middle of twenty enemy Troops.

 

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,

killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she

killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

 

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the Fuck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

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(disclaimer...not sure how well this joke will go over on the internet)

 

These 2 bums are walking down the street.

 

1st bum says "See that brick? I bet you all the money in your pocket I can throw that brick into the air and it won't come down."

 

2nd bums shakes his pocket change...and says "your on"

 

So the 1st bum picks up the brick and it never comes down.

 

2nd bum pays up.

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Ok then, try this one...

 

This old lady get's on a plane with her poodle (a smelly little dog at that).

 

She gets to her seat and sit's next to a large man that's puffing away on a

fat cigar.

 

As she sits down, she asks him to put out the cigar, due to the smoke and the smell.

 

He says, "Shut up old lady, I'll smoke if I want"

 

A while into the flight she asks him again to put out the cigar.

 

Again he says, "Shut up old lady, I'll smoke if I want"

 

A bit later she again asks the man to put out the cigar.

 

This time he says, "Tell you what, I'll throw my cigar out the window, if you throw you dog out of the window"

 

The old lady agrees and the dog and cigar go out the window.

 

Some time later the man looks out the window. To his suprise the poodle is out there sitting on the wing and it has something in it's mouth.

 

Do you know what was in it's mouth?

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three blondes were driving to california ..

 

they see a sign that says california left................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'''

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so they turned around and went home

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one day this rooster was looking across the creek at the corn field and was trying to figure out how to get to it.

the rooster decided to take a run and fly across the creek which he did with success.

all this time a cat was watching and says I sure would like to eat that rooster when he done eating.

So he decides to take a run and jump across the creek, so he runs with everything he had but ends up in the creek.

 

The moral for today is, where theirs a happy cock theirs a wet pussy.

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would

add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

 

 

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

 

So the Minister asked the congregation -

 

What can you learn from this demonstration?

 

an old drunk was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said,

 

 

 

 

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

 

That pretty much ended the service --

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(copied)

 

A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by an automated police camera. In the mail a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60. Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills. Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.:eek:

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A hippy an alcoholic and a druggie are walking for days across the wilderness when they come to a wall hundreds of feet high and running in either direction for as far as they can see. They decide to try to walk around it and head off to one side. By the fourth day, tired and weary and about to give up, they come to a door. As they near it they can see it is of very heavy construction with thick wooden beams and metal bolts. On it is a sign that reads "OPEN EVERY MORNING AT 9:30". Desperate to get through they try the door, it but to no avail.

The alcoholic says angrily " Why don't we have a few drinks and then kick that fuckin' door off its hinges!"

The druggie says " Wow man, why don't we drop some acid, then we could walk right through that door"

The hippy sits down with his back to the wall and pulls out a fatty and says " Why don't we all just smoke a joint and wait till 9:30?"

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Guest 510kamikazifreak

This is a old one but ,

 

 

What do a [unt and a polititian have in common??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Slip of the

 

tounge

and

they

are

in

:poop:

 

;)

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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news was coming on.

 

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

 

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

 

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

 

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

 

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge

did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

 

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

 

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."

 

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.:blink:

 

Bob took the money.

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a preacher,a datto owner and a lawyer are on a plane when one engine fails..

the capin comes over the radio saying"go ahead and take the parachutes and bail the fook out!

immidiately the lawyer jumps from his seat and rushes out, grabbing a chute on the way out the door...

the preacher says to the datto owner "go ahead muy son, take the last chute and i will pray for you..

the datto owner looked at the preacher, grinned and said"you dont have to father...that fool just jumped out with my back pack

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CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,'and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.."

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