joke's you know you got them

[420n620]

[420n620]

[420n620]

[420n620]

[420n620]

[Jennifer]

Teacher asks student : "What comes after 69?" Student says 70.

Teacher: Mouthwash!!! You fail.

[darrel]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy thai girl.

 

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."

 

 

But she did.

[strang3majik]

Women's rights.

[nismo dr]

ahahahahahaha Good one!

[Siempreloco]

So, there's a trucker who's been far away from home for a long time, and needless to say he's feeling pretty lonely. He gets tired one night after dropping off his load and on his way back home, he decides to take a break and stay at a small hotel in a small little town. While getting his key he leans over the front counter and asks the manager "Do you guys..have any hookers around here?" and the manager looks at him, appalled "HEY Buddy, we don't do that kind of thing around here!!"he pauses, leaning in closer to the man "But we do have chickens." Now the trucker is appalled, heads directly to his room and lays down. After a while he decides that it doesnt really matter what he does, he'll never be in this town again.... so he goes down to the counter, and asks the manager for a chicken, the manager leaves, comes back with a chicken, and directs the trucker to a "special room." After his adventures with the chicken and a night of rest, the trucker moves on. However, three months later he ends up back in the same little town, and he finds himself kind of missing that chicken...he goes to the hotel and asks the manager for the chicken, the manager looks at him, appalled "HEY Buddy, we don't do that kind of thing around here anymore!!" "he pauses, leaning in closer to the man "But we do have a sideshow of a woman fucking a horse" At this point the trucker doesnt give a damn and says what the hell, he's lead to a small dark room with chairs and a few other men spaced out, a giant pane of glass is seperating them from- you guessed it- a woman fucking a horse! After the show, all the guys slowly lave, the trucker turns to one of the men and says "That was great! there should be one in every town!" The other man grins and nods "You should have been here three months ago- some guy was fucking a chicken!"

[nismo dr]

the past, the present, and the future walk into a bar..........................................

 

 

it was tense

[Siempreloco]

A young woman was speeding and was pulled over by a state trooper, as the trooper begins to write her a ticket she says "I thought you were going to try to get me to go to the state trooper's ball with you."she smiles, The state trooper replies "Ma'am, state troopers don't have balls." he paused, tipped his hat, closed his ticket book and left.

[Eagle_Adam]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

 

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR., he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

 

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

 

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

 

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

 

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

 

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

 

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

 

when she entered he asked where he was and why, she giggled a little bit and told him to follow directions from now on. Even more confused he asked how he got from the plane to the hospital, the nurse sat down on his bed and told him the the ATR button stood for Automatic Tampon Remover and that his penis was in the jar next to his bed.

 

[NCLNDYM]

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed and ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to Fuck you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong honey. I LOVE YOU.' Thew wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!"

[Eagle_Adam]

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed and ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to Fuck you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong honey. I LOVE YOU.' Thew wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!"

 

OMG that made me spit out my soda!!!

[NCLNDYM]

A man was speeding on the freeway at 85mph. When he looked in his rear view mirror he saw a Cop following him with his lights flashing and his siren blaring. Thinking he could outrun the cop, the man sped up to 115mph. Suddenly, he realized his foolishness and pulls over to the side of the road and stops. The cop pulls up behind the car, gets out and walks over to the car. The cop looks at the man and says Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and it's Friday. If you can give me 1 good reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before I'll let you go. The man scared and shaking inside, looked at the cop and said: Last week, my wife ran off with a cop! So, I thought you were bringing her back. The cop replied; have a nice day, Sir!

[NCLNDYM]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #4 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he ever did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was....GOD!... I miss him. But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good, " said the new husband, "but why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time i know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Z chopper]

A man was speeding on the freeway at 85mph. When he looked in his rear view mirror he saw a Cop following him with his lights flashing and his siren blaring. Thinking he could outrun the cop, the man sped up to 115mph. Suddenly, he realized his foolishness and pulls over to the side of the road and stops. The cop pulls up behind the car, gets out and walks over to the car. The cop looks at the man and says Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and it's Friday. If you can give me 1 good reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before I'll let you go. The man scared and shaking inside, looked at the cop and said: Last week, my wife ran off with a cop! So, I thought you were bringing her back. The cop replied; have a nice day, Sir!

 

 

roflmfao

[Guest 510kamikazifreak]

Why do women wear panties?

 

 

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Because city bylaws, say all manholes must be covered

[fastdadd]

Two woman were sitting in silence.....

[Z chopper]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

THE DOCTOR AND THE BUMBLEBEE

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady

parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming

"Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

 

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I

have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."

 

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever

method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

 

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis

and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the

tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my

penis out of your wife's vagina.

 

The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

 

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into

the young lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the

honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

 

So the doctor went deeper and deeper.

After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

 

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself,

he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

 

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a

minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

 

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Murphy's Law in Sex

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

 

2.Nothing improves with age.

 

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

 

4.Sex has no calories.

 

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

 

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

 

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

 

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

 

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

 

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

 

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

 

12.Virginity can be cured.

 

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

 

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

 

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

[Z-train]

They are going to make a movie about Rodney King's life.

 

They got the candy bar from the movie "Caddy Shack" to play him.

[Ratwagon1600]

Little Johnny runs up to his mum yelling "mum,come quickly, Grandma,s got a shrimp between her legs!"

 

Johnny's mum says " what on earth are you talking about son?"

 

Johnny says "mum you gotta believe me, grandmas got a shrimp between her legs!"

 

Johnny's mum sighs and says " well son, you better show me"

 

Johnny and his mum walk into the lounge room and, lo and behold, there's grandma, stark naked! And sound asleep on the floor.

 

Johnny's mum looks at grandma and says " Johnny, that's not a shrimp, that's grandmas clitoris!"

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Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says " gee mum, it tasted like shrimp"

[Ratwagon1600]

A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a masochistic homosexual are sitting in a jail cell together.

 

The zoophile goes "if we had a cat in here, I'd make it give me a blowjob"

 

The sadist goes " he'll yeah, then I'd torture it till it was dead"

 

The necrophiliac goes " yeh, then I'd fuck it"

 

The masochistic homosexual goes " Meow"

[Ratwagon1600]

A Priest, a Paedophile and a Rapist walks into a bar.

 

He orders a drink

 

 

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Little Johnny is talking to his dad one day and he says " dad, what's a vagina look like before sex?"

 

Johnny's dad says " well son, if you can imagine a newly blossoming flower on a spring morning, glistening with the tiniest droplets of fragrant dew, you'd come pretty damm close"

 

Johnny goes " wow dad, sounds might pretty!, so what's a vagina look like after sex?"

 

Johnny's dad says " well son, have you ever seen a bulldog when it's been eating custard?"