Definitions of Tools

[]2eDeYe]

It's a repeat...but it bears repeating :D

 

Definitions of Tools

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatchng flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest, and flings your beer across the room, spattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say "Yeow....."

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the "Ouija Board" principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round-off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also, handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles; they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

 

TABLE SAW: A large, stationary power tool, commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending any possible future use.

 

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw, primarily used by most shops to scare newphytes into choosing another line of work.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOISE: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 24- INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a droplight, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to cosume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark and light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans, splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts, last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowdays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when haning pictures.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents of these cartons, such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic gloves. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Dammit" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[BEEBANI]

Nice, and very true!

 

You also forgot the all-encompassing cresent wrench:

 

Used as a hammer while laying under a vehicle and have already gotten out from under it 5 times to get the last 3 tools you didn't think of before you got under there.

 

Also used to round off every nut and bolt that it touches (while the correct wrench that you needed was only 2 feet away in the tool box).

 

They are also very good for putting big gouges in your nuckles when putting every bit of arm strength into loosening the affore mentioned bolt/nut and it slips off.

 

Never have figured out how that damn thing fits on a nut one minute, and after being set down has to be readjusted to fit again.:confused:

[Bulletside]

had to chuckle quite a bit reading this list. Very true...Can we add adjustable wrench- quickest way found by man to remove the skin from your knuckles!

[datzenmike]

And don't forget the blue tipped wrench, also known by it's other name, the cutting torch. It will remove ANY bolt, no matter how rusty or stripped.

[Glengemen]

Damn, I almost died just now! Probably because I can relate to every one of those definitions..... Drop light one kicks ass, remides me of my first 620 working on it in the middle of the night in the rain:)

[kiznook]

but what the ever popular BFH?

[]2eDeYe]

I'm sure we can add whatever we want to the list...

 

Like...

Welder: Used to temporarily blind oneself to momentarily take the pain out of the intense welding heat you experienced while grabbing the vice grips...

[dat521gatherer]

yes, belt sander and drop light are my favorite. speaking of a cresent wrench has anyone seen the type that has a squeeze handle attached to the worm gear? you adjust the worm gear then squeeze the handle for a super tight fit. does this cresent wrench have a special name and who makes one. my dad had one years ago and i haven't been able to locate one, most people have never even heard of it. my friend claims some people at his work has them but fails to bring me a brand name. even the guy at tool town claims to never have seen one.

[tdaaj]

SLEDGE HAMMER: for persuading anything that needs persuassion*, re-alligning frame rails, door pins, or just releasing frustrastion in a friends windshield.

[dat521gatherer]

or for checking the nerves in your fingers